When the fog settles…


I woke up the morning of Friday July 24th with the feeling that something was dreadfully wrong, and then in a split instance I realized what it was — and then the fog set in. That glorious heavy fog that completely covers you in a thick comforting mass – allowing you to move forward.

One of the first things I did after logging onto the computer was to dash of a blanket note to my online friends.

“First and foremost thank you everyone for your kind words — you have no idea how much they are appreciated.

I am ok — just very numb right now and working via auto pilot. You know that bzzz you get in your head that allows you to push things aside, for long enough to do the things you need to do – remembering to do everything that has to be done — I am so very, very sad — perhaps the saddest I have ever been in my life — and a single tear streams down my face as I type — but right now I need to be there for my dad, my brother, my kids, and my grandkids — my time I will take do not worry that I won’t but I need to do it in my own time, when I can do it alone — I don’t know what space I will be in, seconds/minutes/hours/days from now but for now I move forward as needed one tiny step at a time, learning to walk again I guess, while standing as a leaning post for those who need my strength now. I keep repeating to myself – I am ok, I am ok, I am ok, I am ok

Please forgive me for the next little while if I forget to do something that is needed, respond to one of your notes or emails — or if I seem to disappear — I guess right now I just feel a little lost… I will be ok, and I will be back, but for the next few days maybe a week I need to go to a place deep within myself — I need to get through this – I will get through this – and really I am ok.”

I knew that I had to let everyone know that I was ok, but just did not have the energy to talk to anyone. I needed to get through this, I needed to go deep . As much as I wanted to dig a hole and climb in, I knew I had to stay strong, I knew I had to hang on… and so I did.

Jamie and I went up to my dad’s early in the afternoon. It was hard pulling up to the house, and walking into the house as my eyes took in all that my mom had left behind. The butterfly’s hanging over the garage door that my dad had made and my mom had painted so lovingly, the rose bushes, the bird baths, the pink wall, the crocheted pillow cover…

I don’t remember much of that visit, or how long it lasted. We just were –

Somewhere in there my dad told me that the memorial was set for the 12th of August – all of it coming to my ears as if from down a long tunnel – a broken voice, a broken man, my dad, tears running down his face – married 53 years – suddenly alone. My strength kicked in.

We will get through this I whispered to him. We can do the after memorial lunch at my place. I will order the flowers for the memorial; yes I will talk to Fred Massy about the service. I can do this I told myself in a silent voice. I am ok, I am ok, I am ok…

Later while back at home I sat for a time, alone outside the big deck outside my office. “Send me a sign mom, I just need to know you are ok” … a simple sentence that I repeated over and over in that moment, and in the days that followed.

I don’t know how long I sat there – the fog was thick – time was becoming irrelevant…

Published in: on August 21, 2009 at 8:01 am  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. How is your dad holding up?

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