Hanging In…

Even as the end of November quickly approaches, the oak leaves are still hanging in there. Not willing to let go, nor to give up the fight. Even as the color fades from the days of their youth, they do not give up!

sleep

What a wonderful lesson – one that most of us could use.

It has been rough here the last while – but like those oak leaves – even though I am faded from my youth, I am not giving up. I will continue the fight.

Now moving on from that….

Reading back over my blog it at times sounds like things here are terrible, dark, and so very depressing.

They are not!

It seems that I am in a stage of my life of self exploration, a journey we all take  – several times throughout our lives. Along this journey there are many doors we need to open along the way. Sometimes these doors have been closed for a very long time, locked if you will.

For me these locked doors hold a lot of emotion – emotion that needs to be rediscovered, relived and most of all put to rest.

It is in these times that I write. Not write like an author of a great book, but one of deep raw emotion – I write as a form of talking to myself and communicating to others. Sometimes I write for my children, so that one day they will know that their mother was a real person, beyond the comforting arms that hold them when they are hurting. Sometimes I write to vent out something that if frustrating me and I need to make sence of it all in my own mind. I write for self healing. Healing for whatever is hurting at the moment. When my muse is on mission she goes crazy with words!

Most of the time when I write I start with a blank piece of paper, or blank computer screen and just shut everything else out and let my fingers go at it. I don’t think or closely choose my words – I give them the freedom to flow. Sometimes the words don’t make sence, but mostly they do.

I write for myself – I write for you.

I write to reach out – not only to others but to myself.

So moving on… there are three areas of my life that are causing me greif right now.

1) My mom – she is having a real hard time with her health right now. I am not a doctor, I cannot make her better. It breaks my heart to see her in this condition.

2) My third daughter (Sharlyn) – it breaks this mothers heart to see this daughter so sad. I cannot make her better – I can only be there for her, support her, and offer her comfort when she needs it. I know things will be ok for her and for baby pickles, I know because I have been where she is. I understand, and perhaps that is why my heart breaks. I know this is a scar on her heart that will remain with her for the rest of her life – but a scar that over time will fade.

3) My son (Benjamin) – who still needs to learn the lesson that home is not the lions den, but a soft and very safe landing spot. I hope on his journey to be a man he will remember all the lessons he learned over the years. I cannot learn these lessons for him, these he has to do on his own. I cannot make it better for him, and for this my heart is broken. He is my only son, my last born – I cannot help it I am a mother – I worry!

So my mood here over the last little while is a reflection of the 3 above things – but I remain like the oak leaves – I hang on!

I have many, many positive things going on in my life right now as well – things that help me make it through each day – things that pull me through, things that I totally appreciate! These will be the subject of my next post.

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Published in: on November 24, 2007 at 9:46 am  Comments (7)  

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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oak leaves are tough. Most of ours hang on almost all winter long in spite of cold, wind, ice, and snow.

    “I cannot help it I am a mother – I worry!” Sometimes I think I should have this tattooed on my children’s arms as a reminder that no matter how old they get, I’m still their mother and I will still worry during worrisome times.

  2. I have never felt that your blog was a place of darkness. Or a depressing read. I think your blog is comforting even when you write about those things that bring you pain.

    (I made chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake)

    I also tagged you.

  3. I am glad you talked a little more specifically about the source of your worry or depression. My guess was children. It’s always children. Or most of the time.

    The little darlings.

  4. Thanks for the Tag Biblio 😉

    Thank you so much for your kind comments, and I am glad you do not find my blog as a place of darkness or depressing – as that really is the last thing I want it to be.

    The cheesecake sounds heavenly! My daughter makes a white chocolate cheese cake that is to die for…. mmmm just thinking about it makes me want to put in a request.

  5. David you are very perceptive. I think raising adult children is one of the hardest things I have ever done – even harder than the teen years. Little darlings indeed!

  6. Robin – our Oaks are the same!

    I like the idea for the tattoo — maybe that is what I should have gotten instead of the Vikking I now wear! I would have had far more reason to show it off then 🙂

  7. very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
    Idetrorce


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